Thoughts of an Introvert

dav

I’m not sure how to label myself at this point of my life. I’ve been the anti-social weirdo the majority of my existence, I’m not sure who to credit or blame for it but it’s just me. Being an introvert is my comfort zone, going to social events gave me anxiety. How many times did you hear someone says those exact words ? I’ve avoided going to weddings, gatherings, even funerals because I can’t handle it. I’ve mentioned it few times, I really can’t handle people for long time. I have my limit, I’ll pretend I have something to do when I reach my quota of “Social-ness”. I’m completely fine with being alone, it’s been part of my personality as long as I remember.

When I got married, I realized I’ll be living with my in laws and that terrified me because I don’t know if they’ll be fine with my personality. For the four years I’ve been living with them, I’ve struggled to fit in. I want to be accepted but it’s really hard doing that when my personality doesn’t really match their’s, it’s sad though because they don’t want to hang out with me or ask me to go out with them. I’m still fine with it, it didn’t really effect me. Is it bad that I’m okay not having any personal relationship with my in laws ? I just have small talks and co-exist in the same house.

Recently, I’ve been trying to better myself, try to be more positive and try to be more social. It’s been great honestly, I’ve discovered new sides of me. I was actually bonding with them which is something I didn’t think I was capable of, I’m not sure if I would consider it a happy period of time because it didn’t last that long. A conflict came up recently and the outcome of it was obviously a defeated shadow of the temporary me. It really blew up on my face and I lost that motive to even try again, I realized after this that I’m only trying to fit in. Forcing myself to fit in would be the right term.

I’m an introvert even if I try to get out from this bubble. I’m more comfortable in that bubble. I’m me in that bubble. I don’t expect anyone to understand it but I always hope of acceptance.

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Venting

It’s been a while since I ranted on my blog, I kinda consider it therapeutic since I’m outlining whatever in my mind. I know I’ve been disappearing from my blog lately and I promise I’ll post an explanation for that in the upcoming posts, but anyway tell me how you been ?

In the past year I’ve been frustrated and bottling this up, I just had to write it here and I really want to know what you think about it. Before I got married, I had a really petite body. To be honest you can clearly see my bones sticking out so it wasn’t that model-like sexy body, I looked really unhealthy and some people thought I had an eating disorder. I weighed around 35kg by the time I entered college, I get sick easily and I remember getting pain on my ankles from time to time which turned out because of calcium deficiency. Back then I didn’t think it was a big deal and people got used to seeing me like this.

After I got married and then getting pregnant, obviously I’ve gained weight throughout my pregnancy and after birth I managed to return my body to a better state and my weight was around 55kg which is according to my IBM rate perfect weight for my height. I looked better and more healthy, at least my bones weren’t showing and I won’t say I had a flat stomach looking all perfect but I was normal and better than my old skinny figure.

Family members and coworkers didn’t see this as a good change, and I’ve been hearing a lot of comments that basically says “You’re fat now” or asking “are you pregnant?”. I heard these words so many times it began to effect me, obviously it hurts hearing those words. I may not look like I was before but compared to my past self, I am much healthier and that what mostly mattered to me. I don’t know if that’s just society standards of how a female should look and if she changed all the sudden she’s considered fat, maybe she’s comfortable in her own skin but you’re labeling her because of her body shape changing?

I’ve been frustrated regarding this so much, it began irritating me how people I have conversations with all sudden inserting this remark within context. I don’t really appreciate it and it honestly made me less social than before. I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive over something silly, I just wanted to vent this out and wanted to know what do you think about this.

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