Two Years Later…

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Couple of days ago, I was organizing the categories of older posts when I started this blog back in 2016. I had the time to revisit a lane of memories of my mental health back then, what I went through as a new mom and seeing how I’ve changed from that person to now was very interesting to me. Few posts stood out to me and I thought of reliving them and outline my thoughts now after I overcame some of my hardships.

But there’s something no one really told or warned me about, motherhood is beautiful yet lonely. As much as I had people around me, my family and my dear husband … I still felt lonely and some nights it made me cry. As a new mother, I didn’t know what is this feeling I’m getting and just considered it as baby blues, eventually it’ll somehow be gone. I didn’t want to call myself a bad mother for feeling this way but I still did and got drowned in my own negative thoughts.. Slowly became an expert in depressing myself and labelled me a Failure.

Motherhood is Beautiful Yet Lonely

I’ve always hated judgemental people, I thought I could deal with them but I forgot the most judgemental person of all was me. I’ve fed myself those ideas that I’m a bad mother because of the negative thoughts I’ve been getting and it caused me to create a bubble of isolation which I can assume that I thought would keep me safe but it only made me even more lonely. I was scared to open up about those thoughts because I thought others would judge me harshly just like the way I was doing to myself and that was wrong of me. For awhile I was scared that I would be getting those thoughts again now that I’m pregnant and it’ll be more of a cycle, but I realized it stems from a selfish feeling I had. I was selfish for not opening up about this with my husband whom I consider closest person to me, I was scared he would connect religion to mental health.

I told him about those thoughts I had and he was very supportive, it even got us closer more than before. Admitting my mistakes and talking about it helped me a lot during these two years after having our first child.

Stress can drown me easily because I’m quite an emotional person, I still wonder how my husband is keeping up with me. When my feet get tired from marching back and forth just to ease the baby colic days and I already know how many steps from the beginning to the end of the carpet. There were days when I couldn’t hold the burden of pressure and I just fall apart and cry, I’ve always stopped myself from talking about it to my husband which was a mistake.

The Me Time

I already admit it was a mistake but I went along with it for quite sometime. I think it’s pretty common for new moms to cry along with their babies from stress and all the unknown thrown at them during the first months, also hormones … never been a fan of you.

They keep saying “Your body did an amazing job, you created a new life and it needs time to recover” I feel proud that I tried the whole experience and going through what I called the worst pain ever but I miss my old slim body. I don’t really like the sagging loose skin on my belly and it makes me feel insecure around people at times, I can’t just suck it in and take short breaths just to look slimmer.

Postpartum Woes

Dealing with my body shape was one of the hardest tasks I faced when I became a mother, I wrote a post about it before when I was venting. I’ve been thin almost my entire life and it wasn’t exactly the healthy side of thin, but being with that body shape for a long time makes the process of accepting a new body shape really hard. It took me time to accept it but I can honestly say now I do, I love seeing my face having cheeks and I love seeing actual skin and fat without any bones sticking out.

Throughout these two years, I’ve learned plenty of lessons about motherhood. I could never ask for a better life, I found my purpose in life and I love every moment of being a mother.  I feel blessed having the honor of being called a mom of two …

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Things I Wish I Can Tell My Mom

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I recently came across a spoken word poetry by Sabrina Benaim called Explaining My Depression to My Mother and it inspired me to write this post. It’s hard confessing feelings and emotions to someone close but in my case … My mother. I don’t want to be like my mom, I’m not her and I’m not planning to be. I want to be different, I don’t want to raise my children same way I was raised. It sounds bad as I’m typing this but I don’t agree with some parenting ways my mother used on me and my siblings, and that’s okay because I don’t think we are wired to grow up exactly like our parents.

Mom doesn’t believe in depression and anxiety, or most of the mental health issues. She believes its related to religion, if you are close to god then you won’t be depressed and I don’t agree with that. I don’t blame her, I mean they’ve been raised this way and their era has been nurturing such closed mind mentality. When I was going through postpartum depression, I didn’t talk about it with my family but more with my friends who has same mentality as me and understands these struggles.

I want to be as understanding as I wished my mother to be. I had a long super dark hair till I reached college because my mother didn’t allow me to dye or cut it, let alone just a small trim. I hated it because it was really hard to maintain, it was so long that it reached under my butt. I started trimming it on my own without telling her obviously but I did get caught few times until one day I chopped off all of my hair, and she gave me a look I’ll never forget, like she’s disappointed in me and it made me feel horrible. It didn’t really last long as I tried to make her understand that it’s who I am, I don’t like having dark long hair. She still gives me those looks whenever I dye my hair and repeats about how my hair was so beautiful and long, now it’s ruined and it’s too damaged.

God Knows how much I love my mother and I know I can’t live without her but I don’t want to be like her, I am who I am.

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Unsure and Absent-Minded

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Couple of weeks ago I had an interesting conversation with my husband while we were on a date, I took time to reflect on it and decided to write it out on the blog to admit it mostly. It’s something I didn’t think I’ll end up being since I thought the way I act was normal for first time mothers but apparently it’s not.

I think I mentioned this before during the time I started blogging, but being a first time mother gives you a feeling of stepping into the unknown. It’s scary and it’s a whole new realm to discover along the way, while you might hear advises from people or even read books about parenting, it won’t mentally prepare you for motherhood unless you actually live it which became more of an issue to me. I began to be unsure, anxious and indecisive about every aspect in my life and I haven’t really noticed that in me till my husband point it out.

Lately I’ve been absent-minded and not really taking care of myself like not drinking water for a whole day. I’ve been getting nervous and anxious when being in crowds even with familiar people like in family gatherings, I wasn’t really like that until I began to remember these moments as my husband told me that.

So I downloaded an app just to help me remember to drink water, I began to reconnect with friends I didn’t talk to for awhile and plan outings together because I need to be more social. In terms of my health, I’ve been feeling much better since I’m drinking more water, I didn’t really think the importance of it till now. I decided to join a gym and hopefully will start in few days because there’s still baby weight floating at my sides and arms.

Sorry I haven’t been posting lately, I’ve been busy I guess regaining myself. I’ll post a Glossybox unboxing in few days and more next week. Thank you for reading and have a great day.

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