Two Years Later…

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Couple of days ago, I was organizing the categories of older posts when I started this blog back in 2016. I had the time to revisit a lane of memories of my mental health back then, what I went through as a new mom and seeing how I’ve changed from that person to now was very interesting to me. Few posts stood out to me and I thought of reliving them and outline my thoughts now after I overcame some of my hardships.

But there’s something no one really told or warned me about, motherhood is beautiful yet lonely. As much as I had people around me, my family and my dear husband … I still felt lonely and some nights it made me cry. As a new mother, I didn’t know what is this feeling I’m getting and just considered it as baby blues, eventually it’ll somehow be gone. I didn’t want to call myself a bad mother for feeling this way but I still did and got drowned in my own negative thoughts.. Slowly became an expert in depressing myself and labelled me a Failure.

Motherhood is Beautiful Yet Lonely

I’ve always hated judgemental people, I thought I could deal with them but I forgot the most judgemental person of all was me. I’ve fed myself those ideas that I’m a bad mother because of the negative thoughts I’ve been getting and it caused me to create a bubble of isolation which I can assume that I thought would keep me safe but it only made me even more lonely. I was scared to open up about those thoughts because I thought others would judge me harshly just like the way I was doing to myself and that was wrong of me. For awhile I was scared that I would be getting those thoughts again now that I’m pregnant and it’ll be more of a cycle, but I realized it stems from a selfish feeling I had. I was selfish for not opening up about this with my husband whom I consider closest person to me, I was scared he would connect religion to mental health.

I told him about those thoughts I had and he was very supportive, it even got us closer more than before. Admitting my mistakes and talking about it helped me a lot during these two years after having our first child.

Stress can drown me easily because I’m quite an emotional person, I still wonder how my husband is keeping up with me. When my feet get tired from marching back and forth just to ease the baby colic days and I already know how many steps from the beginning to the end of the carpet. There were days when I couldn’t hold the burden of pressure and I just fall apart and cry, I’ve always stopped myself from talking about it to my husband which was a mistake.

The Me Time

I already admit it was a mistake but I went along with it for quite sometime. I think it’s pretty common for new moms to cry along with their babies from stress and all the unknown thrown at them during the first months, also hormones … never been a fan of you.

They keep saying “Your body did an amazing job, you created a new life and it needs time to recover” I feel proud that I tried the whole experience and going through what I called the worst pain ever but I miss my old slim body. I don’t really like the sagging loose skin on my belly and it makes me feel insecure around people at times, I can’t just suck it in and take short breaths just to look slimmer.

Postpartum Woes

Dealing with my body shape was one of the hardest tasks I faced when I became a mother, I wrote a post about it before when I was venting. I’ve been thin almost my entire life and it wasn’t exactly the healthy side of thin, but being with that body shape for a long time makes the process of accepting a new body shape really hard. It took me time to accept it but I can honestly say now I do, I love seeing my face having cheeks and I love seeing actual skin and fat without any bones sticking out.

Throughout these two years, I’ve learned plenty of lessons about motherhood. I could never ask for a better life, I found my purpose in life and I love every moment of being a mother.  I feel blessed having the honor of being called a mom of two …

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Death Note, Body Cavitation and Yoga

Hello September 
Hello Eid
Hello School
Hello whatever event left I didn’t mention. 

If you are Muslim, I hope you’re enjoying Eid and if you’re not I hope you’re having a great day. Last week was quite eventful and somewhat productive, I’m really hoping I can keep it up. Death Note movie was released on Netflix and … we need to talk about it.

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Death Note is my all time favorite anime so I was really anxious when I found out it’ll be an American movie, hoping it’ll be as good as they claimed. I watched it on the day of release and I wanted to stop 5 minutes into it, and here’s why. Light has an intriguing personality, in the anime he’s a genius that went insane by time but in the movie he was too weak and it irritated me because it sounded like he did all that just to impress a girl who supposedly is Misa from the anime but named Mia.

I honestly got so mad when I watched it, I feel the movie didn’t grasp the real essence of Death Note story as the anime did. I even decided to watch the anime series all over again just to stop being mad. The gist of this, don’t watch the movie with high expectations.

Moving on to the next event that happened .. Let’s talk about body cavitation.

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Recently I dyed my hair in this salon which was recommended to me by my sister and aunt, it’s a really nice place actually. I was comfortable in my visit when I dyed my hair there so I was planning to keep coming here instead of that salon I mentioned before that I had a weird situation in. When I was paying at the counter, I noticed a pamphlet about body cavitation and also a huge banner as you can see in the picture. I was interested because ever since I gave birth, I couldn’t return my body shape as it was before. It’s hard returning to that shape, I’m much thinner than I was before but the skin isn’t tight enough and it makes me feel really insecure about myself.

I made an appointment for consultation so I would understand the whole process and the sessions needed to achieve that model sexy body. The lady showed me the machines and explained to me how these devices are used, and that’s when I started to get intimidated because they were four devices for different purposes and she said it’s not a painful process but I got scared anyway. The device basically has a high or low frequency pad thing that will damage the fat, the rest of the devices are used for drainage of this fat and another one for scanning. Along with this process, it’ll smoothen the areas that has cellulite and make it less bumpy.

I cancelled on the day before my first session because I feel I can do it on my own and I don’t need a cheating method to do it fast, also I’m not exactly guaranteed that I will lose all that stubborn fat and tighten my skin as I didn’t really met someone that did this procedure to see the outcome. I thought why should I waste my money on it and I don’t know the results of it. I’m considering to get a massage that will eliminate cellulite and make my skin look smoother but that’s also expensive so I’ll see how this will go.

Because of this, I started doing yoga.

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I started with beginner poses and I really enjoyed it, I felt really relaxed. My body isn’t that flexible but doing these poses made me feel so much better. I did workout after it to shape up obviously and hopefully my loose skin will tighten .. Someday.

What were you up to this past week? Did you watch the movie? Did you like it?

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Things I Wish I Can Tell My Mom

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I recently came across a spoken word poetry by Sabrina Benaim called Explaining My Depression to My Mother and it inspired me to write this post. It’s hard confessing feelings and emotions to someone close but in my case … My mother. I don’t want to be like my mom, I’m not her and I’m not planning to be. I want to be different, I don’t want to raise my children same way I was raised. It sounds bad as I’m typing this but I don’t agree with some parenting ways my mother used on me and my siblings, and that’s okay because I don’t think we are wired to grow up exactly like our parents.

Mom doesn’t believe in depression and anxiety, or most of the mental health issues. She believes its related to religion, if you are close to god then you won’t be depressed and I don’t agree with that. I don’t blame her, I mean they’ve been raised this way and their era has been nurturing such closed mind mentality. When I was going through postpartum depression, I didn’t talk about it with my family but more with my friends who has same mentality as me and understands these struggles.

I want to be as understanding as I wished my mother to be. I had a long super dark hair till I reached college because my mother didn’t allow me to dye or cut it, let alone just a small trim. I hated it because it was really hard to maintain, it was so long that it reached under my butt. I started trimming it on my own without telling her obviously but I did get caught few times until one day I chopped off all of my hair, and she gave me a look I’ll never forget, like she’s disappointed in me and it made me feel horrible. It didn’t really last long as I tried to make her understand that it’s who I am, I don’t like having dark long hair. She still gives me those looks whenever I dye my hair and repeats about how my hair was so beautiful and long, now it’s ruined and it’s too damaged.

God Knows how much I love my mother and I know I can’t live without her but I don’t want to be like her, I am who I am.

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Postpartum Woes

So I passed the baby blues phase and then my mild depression later after giving birth, now mentally I’m feeling alot better but I still hate seeing my body in the mirror. They keep saying “Your body did an amazing job, you created a new life and it needs time to recover” I feel proud that I tried the whole experience and going through what I called the worst pain ever but I miss my old slim body. I don’t really like the sagging loose skin on my belly and it makes me feel insecure around people at times, I can’t just suck it in and take short breaths just to look slimmer. img_2808Even when I go shopping, my body seems slightly disorientated in balancing body fat in some areas, waist can be slimming down but hips are still wide so finding clothes is actually a hard task and honestly I’m still scared to try jeans.

I can say I noticed that I’ve been slimming down slowly, I reached 77kg in my pregnancy last weeks and now I’m currently 58kg so I figured I am doing something right at least so here’s what worked for me:

  • Breastfeeding: It helps because you feel slight contractions of the uterus like it’s shrinking, might not work for some ladies but it definitely did for me.
  • Moisturizing and exfoliating: I read before that this helps getting the skin in healthier state and making stretch marks disappear, this is why I became obsessed with bathbombs that has natural oils and shea butter as ingredients. It helped getting some of the loose flab more firm on my thighs as I noticed.
  • Planking: This one is by far worst exercise I tried, my sister suggested it because it tightens the belly and first time I tried it I couldn’t last for more than 6 seconds. Right now I can do at least 20 seconds thankfully.
  • Just being active: I chose to do the house chores on my own instead of depending on a maid, keeps me moving and active around the house at least.

I recently bought a postpartum belly band from amazon which is a bit expensive but I figured maybe it’s worth a try. I’ll be using it for a month and only taking it off at night before sleeping as a challenge to see if they actually work in making loose skin more firm and just return the belly shape to pre-pregnancy state, I’ll post an update about it when this month is done.

Read more about tightening loose belly skin here and here