motherhood

Things I Wish I Can Tell My Mom

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I recently came across a spoken word poetry by Sabrina Benaim called Explaining My Depression to My Mother and it inspired me to write this post. It’s hard confessing feelings and emotions to someone close but in my case … My mother. I don’t want to be like my mom, I’m not her and I’m not planning to be. I want to be different, I don’t want to raise my children same way I was raised. It sounds bad as I’m typing this but I don’t agree with some parenting ways my mother used on me and my siblings, and that’s okay because I don’t think we are wired to grow up exactly like our parents.

Mom doesn’t believe in depression and anxiety, or most of the mental health issues. She believes its related to religion, if you are close to god then you won’t be depressed and I don’t agree with that. I don’t blame her, I mean they’ve been raised this way and their era has been nurturing such closed mind mentality. When I was going through postpartum depression, I didn’t talk about it with my family but more with my friends who has same mentality as me and understands these struggles.

I want to be as understanding as I wished my mother to be. I had a long super dark hair till I reached college because my mother didn’t allow me to dye or cut it, let alone just a small trim. I hated it because it was really hard to maintain, it was so long that it reached under my butt. I started trimming it on my own without telling her obviously but I did get caught few times until one day I chopped off all of my hair, and she gave me a look I’ll never forget, like she’s disappointed in me and it made me feel horrible. It didn’t really last long as I tried to make her understand that it’s who I am, I don’t like having dark long hair. She still gives me those looks whenever I dye my hair and repeats about how my hair was so beautiful and long, now it’s ruined and it’s too damaged.

God Knows how much I love my mother and I know I can’t live without her but I don’t want to be like her, I am who I am.

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motherhood

I Listen to Barney and Elmo Songs Everyday

Such a lengthy title and it basically sums up this whole post. My son started to favorite things, foods and music, and as a mother you should share these found-favorites. Recently he started liking Barney and enjoys the songs, now he makes me open YouTube everyday to watch Barney dancing around and singing with children.

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Along with Barney, he got obsessed with Elmo from Sesame Street. He loves watching episodes that includes this furry red creature and sings along with him, it’s cute but also gets frustrating after awhile because I can’t watch anything till he sleeps or not around TV.

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Since I’ve been driving around with him sitting in his seat, I had to make a playlist on Spotify that is solely for Elmo and Barney songs, and of course I have to listen to these songs everytime I go out with him. Funny thing, I memorize these songs that I started singing them more often and then I question my sanity.

I decided to start potty training him since he’ll be 18 months soon and I think he’s ready for it, this is going to be challenging but since when motherhood was easy ?

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motherhood

16 Months Later – Second Baby ?

My everything ♥️♥️ #1yearold #baby #cute

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Today marks 16 months since I gave birth to the love of my life (Sorry husband). I thought of posting this as an update for my recent fluctuated feelings and emotions, not sure if it’s related to my postpartum depression even though I feel fine.

I’ve been getting emotional over small details that I didn’t really think would matter, like during bedtime. I would let my son watch animated nursery rhymes till he gets sleepy then he would tell me “nam” means sleep in Arabic and then points at the milk bottle and say “nana”, he counts with me how many scoops of milk and enjoys it then walks till his crib waiting for me to hand him the bottle. It really made me emotional because I’m watching him grow and clearly he understands, it feels overwhelming and quite emotional I know I keep repeating it I just can’t explain it.

One of the things I enjoy in being a mother is watching him be happy and have that constant smile on his face whenever I play with him or watch him explore around. It’s quite surreal for me being someone who’ve always hated dealing with babies and children in general.

So I’ve been thinking about having a second child but part of me isn’t over the first pregnancy with the whole package of pains and aches. My husband thinks we should wait for awhile which I agree but I’ve been getting dreams of having babies lately it’s weird. I know it’s quite a random post but I wanted to just throw out my thoughts somewhere and obviously I would go for my blog, hope I didn’t bore you with this post.

Have a great day

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motherhood

Unsure and Absent-Minded

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Couple of weeks ago I had an interesting conversation with my husband while we were on a date, I took time to reflect on it and decided to write it out on the blog to admit it mostly. It’s something I didn’t think I’ll end up being since I thought the way I act was normal for first time mothers but apparently it’s not.

I think I mentioned this before during the time I started blogging, but being a first time mother gives you a feeling of stepping into the unknown. It’s scary and it’s a whole new realm to discover along the way, while you might hear advises from people or even read books about parenting, it won’t mentally prepare you for motherhood unless you actually live it which became more of an issue to me. I began to be unsure, anxious and indecisive about every aspect in my life and I haven’t really noticed that in me till my husband point it out.

Lately I’ve been absent-minded and not really taking care of myself like not drinking water for a whole day. I’ve been getting nervous and anxious when being in crowds even with familiar people like in family gatherings, I wasn’t really like that until I began to remember these moments as my husband told me that.

So I downloaded an app just to help me remember to drink water, I began to reconnect with friends I didn’t talk to for awhile and plan outings together because I need to be more social. In terms of my health, I’ve been feeling much better since I’m drinking more water, I didn’t really think the importance of it till now. I decided to join a gym and hopefully will start in few days because there’s still baby weight floating at my sides and arms.

Sorry I haven’t been posting lately, I’ve been busy I guess regaining myself. I’ll post a Glossybox unboxing in few days and more next week. Thank you for reading and have a great day.

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motherhood

Pusheen Birthday Party

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I’ve been planning for my son’s first birthday party for about two months now, I know it seems like such a long time but things kept happening from the beginning of this year that I had to delay the party till Friday few days ago. Originally my son’s actual birthday is 7th of January so to delay it two months later, was a bit stressful for me.

As I mentioned in a post back in January, I planned the theme of the party to be Pusheen themed because my son acts practically like a cat sometimes. I ordered the birthday supplies from John Lewis online store and they came pretty fast, they are in great quality and everyone loved it.

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I filled these cute grab bags for children with candy and some toys, I ordered almost 60 bags and they were all taken which I wasn’t expecting to be honest. I ordered the cake from Gateaux and they did an amazing job.

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The upper cake was vanilla and the lower one was chocolate, according to the guests it tasted great and I was too sad I never really had the chance to try it out but you know guests come first. The house was filled with people and children which is a first since my in laws house is empty almost every day considering a three story house.

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Honestly I had a slight anxiety attack before the guests arrived because I hate socializing and I get scared in crowds, I usually avoid such events but I wanted to go out of my comfort zone and do something for my son. All and all guests were happy and pleased with the whole event, it was nice to plan something like this.

Thank you for reading and have a nice day.

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motherhood

Moments That Matter

It’s been awhile since I posted something and I’m really sorry for that, I’ve been stressed out lately with life. I don’t know why 2017 started out with massive waves of stress to my face, here’s the part where I sing Fighter by Christina Aguilera.

Yesterday I took my son for his 13 month vaccination and it really made me think how time flies, a year ago this human was so tiny and now he’s fully grown and almost walking. There’re some moments in life that can’t be captured through pictures or videos, you forever remember them in your mind like it happened few hours ago. I think technology took away the ability to enjoy such moments, before we used to keep physical photos in albums and show them to other family members but now we save them in our phones and sometime later they’ll get deleted or the device will get formatted. These moments became so fragile that they can easily get lost if we didn’t find a way to store them somewhere.

Happy Birthday my angel ❤ thank you for making me a mother #birthday #1yearold

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One of the moments that I truly cherish is when I first time heard my son say ‘mama‘ I almost got emotional for that because I never thought I would have children and become a mother in the first place. It hit me how naive and shallow I was back then, I sometimes think I found a purpose in life when I became a mother.

Bye 👋🏻 #oneyearold #baby

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When I talk about how my son finally started crawling, I would laugh my heart out because it happened in such a hilarious moment. My son started moving around by sliding backwards and I really wanted him to start crawling forward, we figured he likes the lights of the keyboard on laptops so we flipped one open in front of him and he instantly started crawling towards it. Now he’s really getting into devices .. like me.

I know this post came out random but I struggle to believe sometimes that he’s grown so fast in the past year and becoming more vocal and social. I guess what I’m really trying to say is always cherish these important moments in life whether you keep them as photos or in your memory because they mark milestones for you and others who are involved in that moment.

Your life wouldn’t be shaped to where you are now without them …

For those of you who don’t get to stay at home with your loved one, you can still get the moments that matter with the help of a Nucleus! Nucleus is a device that allows you to instantly have a video call with any friend or family member who also has the device. Just one press of a button and you instantly have a feed into Grandma’s kitchen and you two can talk over dinner. We want to fundamentally reshape how people connect and help people communicate more with friends and family. Check them out here: https://nucleuslife.com/

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motherhood · Stories

The Time I Asked my Mother to Kill Me

I’m one year late in posting this, but in my defense I wasn’t over it and I needed time to settle on it. In case you’re lost, this is my labor and delivery story because my son’s first birthday was couple of days ago so it’s fitting to talk about it now I guess.

It all started on 5th of January when I was having my weekly checkup and I’ve been feeling slight cramps like period but not really consistent so I said it’s Braxton Hicks contractions but I was around my 38th week so I mentioned that to my doctor just to make sure anyway. Let me just say that I hate the whole finger sticking up in my vagina, I seriously feel uncomfortable with that.  So she found out I was in early labor and my cervix was dilated even though the plug hasn’t dropped yet but because I have asthma she decided to keep me in the hospital in the first stage room till I properly start labor while they keep an eye on my asthma problem. Now in that room, all the ladies are going through labor and all the doors near that room where the whole delivery process is going are opened so I could hear all the screaming, crying and cursing, and it really made me nervous.

I spent the night there and there wasn’t any progress so my mother convinced the doctor to let me return home and stay there till the actual labor starts because I was really getting nervous and scared in that environment, maybe that’s why nothing happened. Anyway back at home, I was miserable and I just wanted to get over with it I was doing everything I know about inducing labor. That night my husband was feeling sorry for me so he took me out on a small date just to walk on the beach and relax for a bit, that’s when I started feeling the contractions coming more frequently and it was getting stronger. We returned home and the cramps were getting stronger but still bearable, I felt something’s gonna happen that night so I asked my mother to keep her phone on since I was staying at my family’s house that day.

I stayed awake all night because of the cramps, I spent my time walking around the living room or watching TV. I was laying on my back around 5 am and then when I stood up to get something from kitchen, I heard a pop and it was loud since it was coming from inside me and then I felt the water running. I started panicking and wore a pad because I don’t want to mess the place with my water, then I called my mother. She came down and calmed me down, took me to the hospital and that’s when the actual real pain of labor started and I had no idea it was going to be THAT painful. Couple of hours later after being monitored by the nurses for my contractions and cervix dilation, I was ready to be moved to the delivery room. I remember that I was going through so much pain, I didn’t had time to actually scream and all like what the movies show but that’s when I told my mother “Please kill me, I can’t do this anymore I don’t want to do this” 

The time passed really slowly as I was trying to push my baby out and I remember seeing the nurses bring 4 types of surgical scissors thingies to do a episiotomy and from the amount of pain I was going through I didn’t feel it when they did the cut. Eventually I felt the baby was being pulled out and I heard his cry for the first time and that’s when my mother just broke down crying next to me and I thought something happened to my baby but my poor mother was crying because I was going through so much pain and baring it all.

The moment I held my son on my arms for the first time, I forgot every pain I went through. It was such an amazing feeling to hold this child who spent nine months inside me and never met me but looks deeply in my eyes like he knew me in like forever, while I was falling deeply into my son’s eyes the nurses was doing my stitches and it wasn’t that painful.

I honestly feel so blessed to be a mother, I didn’t think I would ever experience such feeling and it’s quite hard to explain it. If you are expecting a baby, please know that the whole child birth experience is different from lady to lady and I know part of you is scared about the whole pain during labor but it’s just a stage from the process and it’ll pass. I originally wrote this for my friend who’s 34 weeks pregnant at the moment and thought of sharing it on my blog.

Hope you enjoyed this long post, have a great day.

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