Couple of days ago, I was organizing the categories of older posts when I started this blog back in 2016. I had the time to revisit a lane of memories of my mental health back then, what I went through as a new mom and seeing how I’ve changed from that person to now was very interesting to me. Few posts stood out to me and I thought of reliving them and outline my thoughts now after I overcame some of my hardships.
But there’s something no one really told or warned me about, motherhood is beautiful yet lonely. As much as I had people around me, my family and my dear husband … I still felt lonely and some nights it made me cry. As a new mother, I didn’t know what is this feeling I’m getting and just considered it as baby blues, eventually it’ll somehow be gone. I didn’t want to call myself a bad mother for feeling this way but I still did and got drowned in my own negative thoughts.. Slowly became an expert in depressing myself and labelled me a Failure.
I’ve always hated judgemental people, I thought I could deal with them but I forgot the most judgemental person of all was me. I’ve fed myself those ideas that I’m a bad mother because of the negative thoughts I’ve been getting and it caused me to create a bubble of isolation which I can assume that I thought would keep me safe but it only made me even more lonely. I was scared to open up about those thoughts because I thought others would judge me harshly just like the way I was doing to myself and that was wrong of me. For awhile I was scared that I would be getting those thoughts again now that I’m pregnant and it’ll be more of a cycle, but I realized it stems from a selfish feeling I had. I was selfish for not opening up about this with my husband whom I consider closest person to me, I was scared he would connect religion to mental health.
I told him about those thoughts I had and he was very supportive, it even got us closer more than before. Admitting my mistakes and talking about it helped me a lot during these two years after having our first child.
Stress can drown me easily because I’m quite an emotional person, I still wonder how my husband is keeping up with me. When my feet get tired from marching back and forth just to ease the baby colic days and I already know how many steps from the beginning to the end of the carpet. There were days when I couldn’t hold the burden of pressure and I just fall apart and cry, I’ve always stopped myself from talking about it to my husband which was a mistake.
I already admit it was a mistake but I went along with it for quite sometime. I think it’s pretty common for new moms to cry along with their babies from stress and all the unknown thrown at them during the first months, also hormones … never been a fan of you.
They keep saying “Your body did an amazing job, you created a new life and it needs time to recover” I feel proud that I tried the whole experience and going through what I called the worst pain ever but I miss my old slim body. I don’t really like the sagging loose skin on my belly and it makes me feel insecure around people at times, I can’t just suck it in and take short breaths just to look slimmer.
Dealing with my body shape was one of the hardest tasks I faced when I became a mother, I wrote a post about it before when I was venting. I’ve been thin almost my entire life and it wasn’t exactly the healthy side of thin, but being with that body shape for a long time makes the process of accepting a new body shape really hard. It took me time to accept it but I can honestly say now I do, I love seeing my face having cheeks and I love seeing actual skin and fat without any bones sticking out.
Throughout these two years, I’ve learned plenty of lessons about motherhood. I could never ask for a better life, I found my purpose in life and I love every moment of being a mother. I feel blessed having the honor of being called a mom of two …