motherhood · Stories

The Time I Asked my Mother to Kill Me

I’m one year late in posting this, but in my defense I wasn’t over it and I needed time to settle on it. In case you’re lost, this is my labor and delivery story because my son’s first birthday was couple of days ago so it’s fitting to talk about it now I guess.

It all started on 5th of January when I was having my weekly checkup and I’ve been feeling slight cramps like period but not really consistent so I said it’s Braxton Hicks contractions but I was around my 38th week so I mentioned that to my doctor just to make sure anyway. Let me just say that I hate the whole finger sticking up in my vagina, I seriously feel uncomfortable with that.  So she found out I was in early labor and my cervix was dilated even though the plug hasn’t dropped yet but because I have asthma she decided to keep me in the hospital in the first stage room till I properly start labor while they keep an eye on my asthma problem. Now in that room, all the ladies are going through labor and all the doors near that room where the whole delivery process is going are opened so I could hear all the screaming, crying and cursing, and it really made me nervous.

I spent the night there and there wasn’t any progress so my mother convinced the doctor to let me return home and stay there till the actual labor starts because I was really getting nervous and scared in that environment, maybe that’s why nothing happened. Anyway back at home, I was miserable and I just wanted to get over with it I was doing everything I know about inducing labor. That night my husband was feeling sorry for me so he took me out on a small date just to walk on the beach and relax for a bit, that’s when I started feeling the contractions coming more frequently and it was getting stronger. We returned home and the cramps were getting stronger but still bearable, I felt something’s gonna happen that night so I asked my mother to keep her phone on since I was staying at my family’s house that day.

I stayed awake all night because of the cramps, I spent my time walking around the living room or watching TV. I was laying on my back around 5 am and then when I stood up to get something from kitchen, I heard a pop and it was loud since it was coming from inside me and then I felt the water running. I started panicking and wore a pad because I don’t want to mess the place with my water, then I called my mother. She came down and calmed me down, took me to the hospital and that’s when the actual real pain of labor started and I had no idea it was going to be THAT painful. Couple of hours later after being monitored by the nurses for my contractions and cervix dilation, I was ready to be moved to the delivery room. I remember that I was going through so much pain, I didn’t had time to actually scream and all like what the movies show but that’s when I told my mother “Please kill me, I can’t do this anymore I don’t want to do this” 

The time passed really slowly as I was trying to push my baby out and I remember seeing the nurses bring 4 types of surgical scissors thingies to do a episiotomy and from the amount of pain I was going through I didn’t feel it when they did the cut. Eventually I felt the baby was being pulled out and I heard his cry for the first time and that’s when my mother just broke down crying next to me and I thought something happened to my baby but my poor mother was crying because I was going through so much pain and baring it all.

The moment I held my son on my arms for the first time, I forgot every pain I went through. It was such an amazing feeling to hold this child who spent nine months inside me and never met me but looks deeply in my eyes like he knew me in like forever, while I was falling deeply into my son’s eyes the nurses was doing my stitches and it wasn’t that painful.

I honestly feel so blessed to be a mother, I didn’t think I would ever experience such feeling and it’s quite hard to explain it. If you are expecting a baby, please know that the whole child birth experience is different from lady to lady and I know part of you is scared about the whole pain during labor but it’s just a stage from the process and it’ll pass. I originally wrote this for my friend who’s 34 weeks pregnant at the moment and thought of sharing it on my blog.

Hope you enjoyed this long post, have a great day.

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