On 7th of January, I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy who changed my life completely. I never thought I’ll ever be a mother because I didn’t like children. I was overwhelmed, happy and felt love that I never experienced before.
Every pain I felt during labor, every tear I shed during pregnancy just seemed like a distant memory I couldn’t recall. During the first weeks, I was in pain from the stitches and my emotions played in waves against me. Waking up at night to feed him was tiring yet I wasn’t bothered by it and actually was enjoying it, every time his lips curve to a smile made me cry for no apparent reason.
But there’s something no one really told or warned me about, motherhood is beautiful yet lonely. As much as I had people around me, my family and my dear husband … I still felt lonely and some nights it made me cry. As a new mother, I didn’t know what is this feeling I’m getting and just considered it as baby blues, eventually it’ll somehow be gone. I didn’t want to call myself a bad mother for feeling this way but I still did and got drowned in my own negative thoughts.. Slowly became an expert in depressing myself and labelled me a Failure.
I never wanted to blame my baby for this loneliness I was dealing with but I was feeling some sort of pressure and depression I never dealt with before, I learned that I shouldn’t keep this inside and act like I’m fine or smile. I told my sisters and of course my husband, thankfully they helped me to overcome this feeling with their overwhelming support. I started to force myself to go out and have fun while trying to keep the negative thoughts away, I began to trust the people around me that they can hold and care for my baby while I’m away.
The depression doesn’t end instantly overnight, it’s obviously taking time and I’m slowly adapting with the changes of life. I recently returned to work and it was so hard, I really enjoyed my son’s smiles and laughs in the morning while I have my morning tea and I just envy my husband since he’s staying with him now while I’m at work. I’m thinking to rebond my relationships with friends when I feel comfortable enough to do so and not feel pressured, surely they wouldn’t understand what I’m currently going through since they are childless for now.
and please remember, you are never alone … Talk to someone and take your time in recovering through this.